


Who's That Boy

by onlywearscardigans



Category: New Girl, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, F/F, F/M, M/M, New Girl au, Stiles is Stiles, allison and lydia dont have time for the boys drama, boyd got tired of rolling his eyes a while ago, chapters do not have to be read in order, dannys a saint, derek is bad at life, do not have to watch new girl to understand, isaac has a douchebag jar, jackson needs a douchebag jar, scotts a puppy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-27
Updated: 2014-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-13 23:45:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1244773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlywearscardigans/pseuds/onlywearscardigans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“So you know in Star Wars Episode 3, you’re watching Anakin get seduced by the Dark Side and you’re all like ‘whaaaaat Anakin no don’t do that, we know you love Padme but come on bro’ even though you know he’s gonna become Darth Vadar you’re still  horrified when he starts slicin’ up Padawans. Well, my story is kinda like that.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Naked

Stiles stared down at his first graders worksheets, trying to focus on actually grading but flipping reggae music… _reggae music_ was blaring from Derek’s room. “DEREK, MIND TURNING DOWN THAT MUSIC”

Stiles rubbed his eyes, pushing his square glasses to his forehead. “Derek, seriously I’m trying to grade!” He waited to see if the music would die.

It didn’t. “God damnit.”

Stiles fixed his glasses and jumped off the bed, throwing open his door and stomped across the hall the Derek’s room. “Derek, what-uhhhhhhh” Whatever Stiles was about to say died on his lips because wow Derek was just standing there completely naked. “Holy..uhhhhhhhmmmmerrrrr” Stiles stepped back trying to get out of the room but he just could not stop staring. Stiles knew the guy was ripped but holy sweet mother…he literally had washboard fucking abs and a pair of majestic arms and oh look at that he had a happy trail and oh god now Stiles was staring at his-his-oh god.

“Stiles?” Derek asked completely relaxed and confident. Not making a single attempt to cover up his body. 

Stiles really, really, _really_ wished he would. 

“Stiles, you look like you’re going to pass out.” Derek stepped forward making muscles ripple and yeah that wasn’t the right thing to do because the next thing he knows Stiles is face down on the floor. Derek sighed, moved forward, and started slowly nudging Stiles motionless body out of his room with his foot. “Can one of you guys take care of Stiles please!” He shut the door before anybody answered. 

\---

“Ten bucks says he freaks out so hard he knocks his glasses off.” Boyd wagered.

“No way, I’m not making that bet.” Isaac protested while he studied the bruise that had formed next to Stiles eye. “He does that like twice a day on a normal basis.” 

“Erggh wus hauop” Stiles blinked his eyes open and was met by the very uncomfortably close faces of Isaac and Boyd. “Uhhhh…”

“You passed out.” Boyd provided.

“In Derek’s room.” Isaac added. 

“Why’d you pass out?” They asked in unison, still not moving out of Stiles personal space. 

“He saw my penis.” Derek supplied, strolling out of his room and into the kitchen. 

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.” Isaac and Boyd sang in unison and moved away from Stiles.

“Hey Derek!” Stiles shot off the couch and ran to Derek, “Look man I’m sorry about invading your space.” Stiles opened his arms, as if to remind Derek of what space actually looked like. “I know, I know I should have knocked but look I don’t want things to be weird between us, just because I saw your p-pe-you know.” Stiles waved his hand around avoiding Derek’s eyes. 

“My penis.” Derek dead panned, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Yeah. That.” Stiles agreed, still not looking at Derek.

“Dude don’t worry about it, we all passed out when we saw Derek’s penis for the first time.” Boyd called from the couch, not even bothering to look up from his phone. 

Probably texting Erica, Stiles thought…wait. “Wait. What.” 

“Yup. Isaac fainted. I fainted. It’s a perfectly normal reaction.”

“So everyone’s seen Derek’s uh…Derek’s a…his uh” Stiles swallowed nervously. 

“His penis.” 

“My penis.”

Stiles jumped a little at his roommate’s chorus. “Yes, thank you. That.”

“Of course. We’ve been living together for almost eight years Stiles, what do you expect?” Isaac said in a tone that suggested it was completely normal for roommates to see each other’s dicks. 

“Hooooooow’re you all okay with this?” Stiles asked exasperated. 

“Shit happens.” Boyd answered, grabbing his wallet off the coffee table. “I’m going to meet Erica. See you guys later!” 

Stiles watched the door slam shut behind him and nearly fell over at just how utterly confused he was. “How’re you okay with this?” Stiles pointed at Derek. 

Isaac, now seemingly uninterested in the whole situation stood and moved wordlessly to his room. 

Derek shrugged his shoulders, “I’ve got a great penis.” 

“Yeah you d-” Stiles coughed to cover the completely idiotic thing he almost said. “I mean…it ju-. You’re _you_! No offense or anything man but you kinda suck at life. You’re probably the least confident person I know!” 

Derek took a moment, finishing up his cup of coffee and setting it carefully down on the counter. Then Derek snatched Stiles up by the collar of his shirt and slammed him against the counter. “Say ‘penis’, Stiles.”

“Wh-WHAT?” Stiles huffed out trying to pry Derek’s hands off his shirt. 

“Say. It.” Derek pushed him a little harder against the counter.

And did he just look at Stiles mouth? What, no. No way. “Why do you want me to say that? I’m just sooooo confused right now!”

Derek growled, no yeah, he literally growled and wow why was Stiles body even reacting to that. That was not okay. 

Derek opened his mouth but was interrupted by Isaac walking into the kitchen. 

“So I was thinking about going on a juice cleanse and just getting all these toxins out of my temple.” 

Derek still had Stiles pinned against the counter but now they were both staring at Isaac with matching expressions of perplexity. “Your, what?” Stiles catechized. 

“My temple.” Isaac moved his hand up and down his body.

“Jar.” Derek snapped. 

“Ugh, seriously?” Isaac whined, dragging his feet to the coffee table where he shoved a five dollar bill into the mason-jar labeled ‘Douchebag Jar’ with a bright pink sticky note. “Derek I was gonna ask if you wanted a ride to the bar. I gotta stop by Target for the juicer so…” Isaac finally seemed to realize how awkward of a position his two roommates were in. “Unless you two wanna finish up whatever this,” he motioned his finger between the two of them. “is. Yeah I’ll go grab my coat and give you two a minute.” 

Derek considered Stiles for a moment before roughly letting him go. Stiles flinched violently when Derek reached out again but all he did was straighten out his shirt for him with a disturbingly calm look on his face. “This. Isn’t. Over.” Derek smirked and emphasized each word with a hard tug on his shirt. 

“Oh thank god.” Stiles breathed out when Derek finally moved away. He held himself up by gripping the counter behind him. Stiles waited until Derek had gone back to his room before rushing to the kitchen sink, practically throwing his head under the faucet, and turning on the cold water. 

When Stiles boner finally died he pulled his head out from the sink. He wiped the water from his eyes and found Derek and Isaac standing there looking at him like he was fucking insane. 

“I, uh, got…dehydrated. From you know, passing out.” He explained placing his hands on his hips, cool as a fucking cucumber. 

“Riiiiiight.” 

“Obviously.”

Stiles continued with his attempts at being, cool as a cucumber, but the water started to drip down his back making him shiver and he really, really, really wanted to talk to Scott right now. 

“Anyway.” Isaac broke the silence. “Have any of you seen my good pea coat?”

“Jar.” 

“Jar, dude”

\---

Stiles barreled into Scott’s apartment the second his best friend opened the door.

“Dude, wh-“

“Are Jackson and Danny home?” Stiles asked snapping his head around to make sure the place was empty. 

“No. They’re at a photo shoot…Stiles, why are you all wet?” Scott stared at his best friend’s frazzled appearance. 

“I want Derek.” 

Scott raised his eyebrows at his best friend who didn’t look all too sane at the moment. He was standing in the middle of his living room, hair and collar dripping wet, he had a bruise near his left eye, and Scott was suddenly reminded of that time in high school when they had a Red Bull drinking contest. 

“What do you mean?” Scott moved to sit on the love seat behind his friend. 

Stiles pivoted to look at him, “I want Derek, Scott. I want him BAD.” 

“Stiles. Just last week you told me that you found him spraying his clothes with lemon scented air freshener.” Scott reminded him, really hoping Stiles knew what he was saying. 

“I know! It’s jus-“

“And the week before that you told me that all three of you alternate changing his toothbrush every three months.”

“That’s true bu-“

“When you first moved in, Isaac and Boyd both handed you a schedule that listed all the times and days that you were required to sneak vitamins into his food.”

“I saw his wang.” Stiles admitted, his body deflating on to the couch next Scott. He pressed his cheek against the cushion, knocking his glasses askew. 

If this was a cartoon Scott’s jaw would have detached from his face and hit the floor. “WHAT. HOW?”

“I was innocently sitting in my room, trying to grade papers when reggae music starts blaring from his room-”

“Reggae music? Really? I always thought he would be into that angry rock stuff.” 

“Does that really matter right now, Scott?” Stiles snapped, priorities Scott. 

“Sorry, okay continue.” Scott scooted about two inches further from Stiles knowing that a lot of hand motions were about to start. 

“I go to tell him turn it down and he’s just standing there in the middle of his room completely in the buff. Who does that?! Who stands in the middle of their room with their junk hanging out!” 

“Well apparently Derek does. Okay, then what’d you do?”

“Oh, me? I passed out.” Stiles chuckled humorlessly. “But when I woke up and Derek was all ‘yeah you saw my dick and I’m not ashamed’.” 

Scott took a moment to process all the information, “Uh okay so now you wanna have sex with him?” 

“Who’s having sex with who?” Scott’s roommate Danny walked through the front door hugging a giant jug of protein powder.

“Who’d be having sex with either of you?” Jackson followed closely behind carrying two more unnecessarily large jugs of protein powder. “Testicle One, Two.” He strolled past Scott and Stiles without offering even a glance. 

“Always nice to see you too, Jackson.” Stiles called to Jackson's retreating back. 

“So who does Stiles wanna have sex with?” Danny joined them, sitting on the recliner across from the couch. 

“Derek.” Scott supplied, immediately receiving a hard smack to the head from Stiles.  
“Why do I tell you anything?” Stiles groaned running a hand through his damp hair, making it stand on end. 

“Who’s Derek?” Danny inquired smiling at how squirmy Stiles was getting. 

“Just this dude!” Stiles cut in before Scott could open his big mouth again.

“Oh Stiles, that reminds me!” Danny sat up a little straighter, “Do you think you could give me your cousin Miguel’s number?” 

“Uh, you know Danny I don’t think it’ll work out.” Stiles sassed, ignoring the look Scott was giving him. 

Danny put his hands up, “Jeez fine. You guys are so weird.”

Scott waited for Danny to move back into his room before turning back to Stiles who was muttering, “Yeah that’s right walk away.”

“Stiles.” Scott pulled Stiles attention back to him. “Who‘s Miguel?”

Stiles waved him away. “It’s a long story.”

\---

Stiles chewed on the cap of his red pen trying really hard not to jump every time Derek shifted on the other side of the couch. He readjusted his students assignments in his lap, took a deep breath, and nope the image of Derek’s naked bod was still right there.

“Stiles, I swear to god if you don’t stop fidgeting.” Derek threatened, not looking up from Isaac’s laptop. 

“Sorry, sorry I’m just having trouble, uh, focusing.” Stiles cleared his throat and readjusted again. 

“Still thinking about Derek’s penis?” Boyd plopped himself in between Stiles and Derek and switched on the TV. 

Stiles choked on air, “What! No! Wha- that’s so…weird that I would be thinking about Derek’s, uh, you know.” 

Isaac sauntered into the living room balancing four bowls of chili on a dinner tray, which Stiles pounced on immediately, “You know Stiles, I thought out of everyone you would at least be mature about this.”

“I’m mature!” Stiles cried through a mouthful of chili. 

Derek scoffed, “Says the guy that can’t even say the word penis.” 

“Excuse you, I can so say…that word!” Stiles started panicking for real now because Derek was walking towards him. “You know I think I’m just gonna enjoy this chili in my room.” Before Stiles could even pick up his bowl Derek snatched up his wrists and pins them against the couch. 

“Say ‘penis’, Stiles.”

Stiles squirmed against Derek’s grip, “Oh come on dude!” It was way, way, way harder not to think about naked Derek when the dude was three friggin inches from his face. God had his eyes been so pretty, they practically _glowed_. 

“Just say it, Stiles.” Boyd scooted closer so all three of them were all up in Stiles grill now. 

Alright he could do this. Just saying the word is not going to unblock the certain part of Derek’s anatomy Stiles managed to block. He could so do this. It was a simple word, only two syllables. He just had to open his mouth aaannnnnd, “Peernis.”

“Wow”

“Seriously.”

“Dude, you have one.” 

Stiles thrashed against Derek but this time Isaac and Boyd jumped on the Let’s Make Stiles Miserable train and each grabbed a leg and held him down. 

“Say it and we’ll let you go.” Derek offered with a really annoying and totally not sexy smirk. 

“Guys, come on this is just weird!” Stiles struggled, starting to feel slightly claustrophobic and completely turned on by Derek’s stare. Seriously, it was like his eyes were staring into his soul. 

“Just say it.” 

“Come on!” 

“SAY IT.”

“SAY IT. SAY IT. SAY IT.” 

Stiles’ eyes snapped to Derek when he felt him lightly squeeze his wrist and started stroking the soft skin there. The fucker knew. He knew exactly how boner inducing he was and that he was most certainly inducing one in Stiles at that very moment. When Derek pressed his lips together to keep from smiling any wider Stiles lost his shit. “ _OKAY, GOD! PENIS!_ ” Stiles shoved his roommates off of him and stormed to his room. 

Derek, still smirking, calmly snatched up Isaac’s chili before locking himself in his room. 

“I think we missed something.” Boyd said, eyeing Stiles’ and Derek’s doors. 

“He took my chili.” Isaac pouted. “That took me three hours.”

Boyd sighed and handed Isaac the spoon Stiles left behind and scooted close enough so his bowl was in reach of both of them, “I got you bro.”


	2. Chapter 2

“So what is it that you’re doing exactly?” Scott’s filtered voice came through the speaker of Stiles R2-D2 shaped phone. 

“I left work early, bought a bag of rose petals, a bottle of champagne, and I am going to surprise my lady love with some afternoooooon delight.” Stiles sang. 

“You’re gonna bake?” Scott’s sweet annoyingly innocent voice inquired. 

“Oh Scotty boy, how have you survived this long.” Stiles turned into his neighborhood, parking on the street when he noticed his girlfriend’s car parked in the drive way. “Oh, Heather’s home! She said she was job hunting all afternoon.”

“Hasn’t she been saying that for the last three months?” 

“Hey! Go easy on her, finding a job these days is not easy!” Stiles defended, clambering out of his jeep. 

“Yeah especially when you’ve never had a job or a degree and you’ve been mooching off your high school boyfriend.” 

“Dude!” Stiles had to pause for a second because wow so not cool.

“I’m sorry man but it the truth! I just want what’s best for you, bro.” 

Stiles nearly cooed at how adorable his best friend was, “Thanks buddy but I really think Heather is what’s best for me.” Stiles carefully balanced the bag of rose petals under his chin so he could unlock the front door and let himself inside. “Actually I’ve been thinking I should ask her to m-” Stiles stopped short when a voice that most defiantly was not Heather’s echoed down the stairs. 

“Stiles?” 

“Scott I’ll call you back.” Stiles did not wait for a response before hanging up. He carefully set down the rose pedals and wine and reached for the bat he kept in the umbrella holder. 

Someone was coming down the stairs now, Stiles raised the bat above his head and charged, “AHHHHH!” But he stopped short, “Oh geez, babe you scared the crap outta me, I thought we had a stranger danger situation happening.”

“Uh” Heather stood at the top of the stairs in her underwear and a striped shirt Stiles didn’t recognize. 

Stiles faltered, “Is...is that a new shirt?” 

When the shirtless guy stepped out behind Heather Stiles nearly broke the bat in half, “GREENBERG!”

\---

Stiles clapped his hands together, “And that’s why I need a new apartment. I’m sorry what was the question again?” 

Isaac, Boyd, and Derek sat speechless in front of Stiles, the Derek guy looking a little more like he wanted to do violent things to Stiles than the other two.

“Do you have any pets?” Derek snarled.

“Oh! No. Well not unless you count my best friend Scott!” Stiles slapped his knee, “I’ve always said he’s part puppy. But no, he’s one hundred percent homosapien. I’ve actually been staying with him for the last couple of weeks but he’s a model so all his roommates are models so they spend most of their days measuring body fat and practicing their smize in the bathroom mirror and it kinda makes me wanna take a lightsaber to my head, ya know.” 

“Wait so your best friend is a model.” Isaac leaned forward, ignoring the looks his roommates were giving him. 

“Yes.” Stiles confirms proudly.

“And he’s friends with other models?” Isaac continued, eyes sparkled with interest. 

“Uh, yeah.”

Isaac nodded once and leaned back into the couch, “When can you move in?” 

“Seriously?” Stiles eyes nearly bugged out of his head because that’s so not where he thought this was going. 

“Hold up.” Boyd interjects.

“Isaac,” Derek had to clench his fists to keep himself from strangling his roommate, “may Boyd and I speak with you in the bathroom please?” 

Stiles missed the whole exchange because he was too busy texting everyone the good news.  
\--  
Derek slammed the bathroom door behind him and turned to face his roommates and shook his head, “There is no way I am letting that guy live six feet across from me.” 

Isaac pouted, “His best friend is a model! That means potential model hook ups for Isaac!” Derek rolled his eyes when Isaac even went as far as to stomp his foot. 

“Please never refer to yourself in third person again.” Boyd pleaded. 

“Isaac,” Derek started, “he has made at least five Star Wars in less than two minutes and I’m pretty sure he started tearing up when he was telling us about that pathetic break up.” 

Isaac snorted, “Like you’re one to talk about pathetic break ups.” 

“Shut. Up.” Derek snarled. 

“Dude, Kate was like six months ago. Are you still not over that?” Boyd asked cautiously. Kate Argent was not an easy topic. 

Derek just huffed and crossed his arms. Which they both knew meant he was so not over it. 

Isaac groaned, “Seriously dude, you got dumped by the queen of psycho girlfriends! You should be thankful but instead you spend your days brooding silently and communicating with your eyebrows.” 

Derek, unsurprisingly, ignored him, “I vote no.”

“Alright then, Boyd it’s up to you.” Isaac and Derek both raised their eyebrows expectantly. 

Boyd nodded seriously and held his chin pensively, “Well let’s see, I have a very serious, not to mention hot, girlfriend so I could care less about models.” He motioned to Isaac, “And I quite like Star Wars.” He motioned to Derek. “I actually marathon it every New Year’s Eve, what better way to ring in the new year than with a little intergalactic war.” 

“This was a bad idea.” Derek dropped his head into his hand. 

“Now, you guys would know this if you ever answered any of my e-vites.” 

Isaac started to laugh but quickly covered his mouth when Boyd glared at him, “Wait, those were serious.”

“Why would I joke about Star Wars?” Boyd asked seriously. 

“AMEN!” Stiles voice carried through the closed door letting them know he was listening. 

“There is no way I am going to be living with the two of you talking about light swords!” Derek shouted. 

Stiles voice floated through the door again, “Sabers. Light sabers.” 

“I say he’s in.” Boyd shrugged, enjoying the way Derek’s nostrils flared. 

“I’M IN!”

Isaac sighed and stepped forward to finally open the door and they were faced with Stiles dancing around with an absolutely ridiculous grin on his face. Boyd cleared his throat to catch his attention. “Oh! Hey! I just want you to know that you guys are so not going to regret this.” He topped it off with two thumbs way way up.

\---

The next morning Isaac, Boyd, and Derek each woke up to the sound of a stray cat dying. Or, that’s what they thought until they found Stiles curled up and sobbing on the living room couch, used tissues covered every inch of the floor, family sized bags of chips, and empty quarts of ice cream surrounded him.   
They gaped at him for a few seconds before Derek finally spoke up, “What the hell have you two done?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter had A LOT of Star Wars references. 
> 
> i do not apologize.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are appreciated :) alsokudosbutyouknowhwatevs


End file.
